my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
she woke up with a sticky ear
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize