dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You have to summon your inner elephant
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
