i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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