Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
