I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
