"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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