You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
