Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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