Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
