I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
