So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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