I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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