6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
