I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
