I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
