...so i touched it.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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