Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
