By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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