saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Randomize
