Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
