So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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