Plan B is the new Plan A
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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