When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
