i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
