i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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