im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Buhtt sex?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
