He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
