my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
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