Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
