I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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