did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
