apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
