I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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