you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
