I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
