I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
