Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
He had one of those small greek statue penises
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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