my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Randomize
