Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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