I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
