My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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