I swear god or herbie drove my car home
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize