what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
