And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
