I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
