I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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