you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
she looked like the before picture.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
i out mim tonsoeep
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
