you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize