Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
