So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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