don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
