Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
only if we run a train.
done.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
