do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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