you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
